


Squad 4 Survival Guide

by Ladypumpkin



Category: Bleach
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Squad 4 - Freeform, survival guide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-06-13 03:43:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15355464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladypumpkin/pseuds/Ladypumpkin
Summary: If you read this, it means that you made it through that long 6 years in the academy and you are now officially a Shinigami. It also means that you joined squad 4, the medical squad. Here is a helpful guide to give you a head start!





	Squad 4 Survival Guide

If you read this, it means that you made it through that long 6 years in the academy and you are now officially a Shinigami. It also means that you joined squad 4, the medical squad. Now some of you have nothing to fear now that you joined our wonderful squad since you will most likely never see the battlefield. This, however, doesn’t mean that you’re out of the woods yet because, mind I remind you, that you have to deal with the crazy lunatics that do fight. So we have decided to give you poor newbies a heads up to avoid any depressions or breakdowns that may occur in the future.

Squad 1: The pencil pushers

Now trust us you won’t see these guys. No, no we're serious. In all our years of service we can count on our fingers the number of times we treated these guys. The people from this squad almost never leave the walls of the Sereitei and it’s even rarer for them to fight. Their purpose in life is to drown us in paperwork and that is why we can almost guarantee that there will be no problem when dealing with these guys.

Squad 2: Where did you come from!

There’s a good reason they are called the stealth force. One minute you’re patching someone up and you turn around for just a second to grab some bandages and then boom! There they are on a chair looking at you without saying a word. Do you know how creepy that is? One time, one of them got so sneaky that we totally forgot about her. We think she got tired of being ignored and left one morning, not that we forgot on purpose! As a general rule you are safe with these guys but on that note be warned! If you approach them without warning or try to surprise them, don’t blame us if you turn out to have a broken arm, not that you have the capability of accomplishing such a stealthy move. Also you may see Lieutenant Omeadea once in a while to re stock on bruising cream due to his captain’s latest outburst.

Squad 3: Gloom and doom

For this squad there are two possibilities. One you run in the average foot soldier and if so kindly direct them to the appropriate treatment facility to get their injuries treated whether they are physical or mental. Ah yes cause you see, the people of squad three are overall nice folks , but they’ve had to endure prolonged exposure to Captain Ichimaru and Lieutenant Kiba and as such suffer from periodic episodes of depression. This brings us to possibility number two, running into Lieutenant Kiba and his captain. The former isn’t too bad but the poor guy has had to endure the antics of his captain for far too long and as such seems to be stuck in a perpetual state of depression and gloominess. Now if you are faced with Captain Ichimaru that’s another issue altogether. You see if you were in any other squad we would tell you to run as fast as you can in the other direction but since you are stuck in our squad here’s what you’re going to do. If he is injured procure the appropriate treatment and advise a superior officer 5th seat or above and dump him on them. We know this may sound harsh but believe me they’ve had a lot more experience dealing with this than you and they at least hold some form of authority. Side note: If you see him around the division and he ISN’T injured and is just messing with people go straight to Captain Unohana. It may sound extreme but it is her belief that if he has time to pull pranks on her squad, he has time to help his lieutenant with his paper work.

Squad 4: Don’t event think about it!

This really is a no brainer. We already have to endure the antics of 12 other squads! I would hope you’re smart enough to not cause trouble in your own squad. Especially one with such a kind (and fearsome) captain. So just do us all a favour and just don’t.

Squad 5: Too kind to be true 

OK so we don’t know how much of this is true but we think part of the squad is brain washed. Wait! Wait! Hear us out. The people there are all nice, so nice that it’s sometimes a little creepy. We like to think that every Shinigami is a bit crazy, some more than others (for further examples refer to the section on squad 11) but when you have people as squeaky clean as them, well you start to ask questions. But then again when you have such a nice captain and sweet Lieutenant Momo, maybe being nice comes naturally and tones down the craziness at the same time. So in general rule you’ll be fine just a bit weirded out.

Squad 6: Perfectionist

Now the squad isn’t bad per se. They’re polite when they need to be and they’re overall nice blokes, it’s only when you get towards the upper echelon that things get interesting. You see a basic rule here in the soul society is that the higher ranked you get, the more paperwork you get shoved at you (and if you’re wondering yes that includes us). Now you might ask what does this have to do with squad six. Well, not much except for the fact that Kutchki Baykuya is a perfectionist and as such he makes sure that all the paper work is done on time and that absolutely nothing is wrong with it. We once heard that he made one of his officers rewrite his whole report because there was a smudge of ink on it and if you have glimpsed at the pile of work a seated officer has to do you know that making someone do the same report twice is just cruel. Oh and if you’re worried about meeting the guy trust us you won’t, his noble ass gets special treatment here. Not that we're saying anything bad about it because that’s one fine piece of ass he’s got there but we digress. So apart from the many cases of insomnia and wrist sprains were pretty sure you’ll be alright.  

Squad 7: The mystery under the bucket

To be honest we don’t know much about this squad. They're pretty general folks all around and don’t have any special duties with the walls of seireitei. The only thing of note is the questionable fashion sense of their captain but hey who are we to judge. If he wants to wear a bucket on his head, then by all means. We’ve heard that there’s a betting pool going around as to why he’s hiding his face but you didn’t hear that from us.

Squad 8: Of livers and women!

Sake! The life and blood of many of the Shinigami in our fine institution. Scientist from the research and development section have proven that one out of 3 drunk person coming to the fourth will be from squad 8 (the other two times it’s either lieutenant Matsumoto or some random bloke). Now we all know alcohol diminishes the mental capacities of the person that drinks it (not that they were high to begin with) and as such slip-ups can happen that can lead to awkward situations. As such we strongly urge you to keep a tranquillizer on hand to calm the patient down if need be. If you’re worried of reprimand from Captain Kyoraku or any member of the squad just mention the incident to Lieutenant Ise. She will gladly take care of any complaints.

Squad 9: JUSTICE!!!

These guys might look ok at first glance but deep down we feel their pain. OK let us explain. Squad nine’s captain is obsessed with the concept of justice that just thinking about breaking the law in his vicinity could be potentially dangerous to your health. As such most of the squad has been denied the finer things in life like alcohol and such but not because their captain said, they can’t get drunk or stuff. No, the problem is when they get drunk and do something stupid. That’s when you get THE speech. Captain Tousen can go on for hours scolding them about the importance of justice and how righteous of a path it is. One time this guy came to us after hearing it and his ears were bleeding (To this day we still don’t know how that’s possible). So can you imagine the horror of not being able to get drunk when and how you want! But on the bright side they’re the squad who has the healthiest livers we’ve ever seen.

Squad 10: Frostbites

If you ever called to deal with an issue in this squad better pack a few extra layers. The squad is known to freeze over quite frequently due to their captains ‘temper.’ You see Captain Hitsugaya is a genius with freakish amounts of spiritual energy and he tends to let it loose when angry or annoyed. As such always keep one of our deep freeze first aid kit close by when tending to these guys.’ Also for the love of the soul king do not refer to Captain Hitsugaya as anything that might insinuate that he is little. He may look like a kid but he can kick your ass into the next century and were not picking that up (OK we have to but we really don’t want to). Special note: When dealing with Lieutenant Matsumoto refer to the previous paragraph on squad 8 but refer her to Captain Hitsugaya if things get out of hand.

Squad 11: Oh boy… 

Now if the academy didn’t screw up, you should have come out there know the tiniest bit about how things work around here. Captain commander Yamamoto is the big boss of the army’s, central 46 handles politics, the stealth force are ninja’s and squads 4 and 11 hate each other. You know the basics. Yes, it’s no secret to everyone that this squad 11 isn’t appreciative of our work and that we in return don’t like how we are treated by them. But unfortunately for you they’re the big guns in this fine institution of ours and are as such more likely to get thrown in battle. They are the ones that are gonna cause you the most trouble because they think that we are ‘Wimps’, ‘Weak’, ‘Only good for cleaning things up’, only to name a few. So to avoid getting maimed by them (Although we doubt Captain Unohana will let it go this far) here are a few things to keep in mind when dealing with these guys.

1) Try to avoid confrontation if possible. If you try to answer back, they will take it as a challenge and things will only get worst.

2) Don’t be afraid to use sedatives on them. Even if they are strong, they are way too dumb to know what we’re giving them so when they aren’t looking slip one of them in their saline solution bag, it should give you a few hours of peace.

***On that note do not try this with the upper echelon (seat 5 and higher), they are smarter than they appear and you will get in trouble if you do.

3) Always keep a piece of candy on you. Lieutenant Yachiru is known for her humongous sweet tooth and refusing to give her candy is considered suicidal by all. So if you wish to live a bit longer just give her the candy and get out of her sight before she asks you for a second one.

4) Zaraki Kempachi is scary and you should not approach him. Our captain is far more able to deal with him than you are.

Follow these few tips and you should be somewhat ok….

Squad 12: Mad scientist

Captain Kurotsuchi has a bad habit of treating his squad as test subjects and as such won’t let anyone examine them for fear that they may mess up one of his precious experiments. Furthermore, anything or anyone that comes out of the squad is to be considered as hazardous material and you should refer to section 5 paragraph 3 of your Squad 4 handbook. Also if you need to be in the research division for a reason or another do not touch, eat or drink anything unless you consider transferring squads anytime soon. On a special note for you guys (or gals we don’t judge), we know that Nemu Kurotsuchi is hot. As a matter of fact most of the upper echelon in this place is to some degree but trust us getting involved with her is not worth the daddy issues. If you hold your life dear never look at her in a manner that can be interpreted as an advance on your part. If you do we cannot guarantee your prolonged existence on this spiritual plane.

Squad 13: The gentle souls

In our entire time of loyal services as shinigamis we have not yet met someone more kind and gentle than Captain Ukitake. The man is practically made of sunshine and rainbows, which makes it all the more unfortunate when you know the man has been sick for almost his entire life. He is thus by far our most frequent patient. As such it is not a rare occurrence to see him roaming the halls of the fourth and if you're lucky, he might stop and chat with you for a minute. As such his squad mostly has the same attitude as him (with a few exceptions) and should cause you no problem. However be warned, because of his medical condition the 13th has become overly protective of their captain and it can in a few misunderstandings if you say something that they deem offending to him by accident (And we do hope for your sake it was slip of the mouth). Although we're pretty sure he can take care of himself. He didn’t become captain by sitting on his ass and waiting for a promotion. So general rule: threat the captain with the kindness and politeness he deserves and there won't be any problems.

And that’s it folks! Follow these few tips and you should be able to survive here without too much trouble.

**Author's Note:**

> And that's all folks! Hope you got a laugh out of it!


End file.
